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20121201
20121231
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COM 55
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English 55
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)
's the use of hurting my pride ♪ i really can't stay, oh, but it's cold outside ♪ baby, it's cold outside (cheers and applause) >> stephen: audra mcdonald! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." what a good one we have for you tonight. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, alan simpson-- one-third of the singing trio "ashford and simpson and bowles" ( laughter ) you should not get their album. they're not very good. let's begin tonight with america. it's great! and republicans in the united states senate think it's about time america cafta, side it's famed humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and oppo
humility and let the world see the awesomeness that is us. >> the nation and the world need strong american leadership. >> we need to continue to lead the world. >> we wanted our example to inspire the people of the earth. >> they're waiting for america to lead the way. >> we are as a nation a beacon of hope for many across the globe. >> we've created a beacon of hope and opportunity for the rest of the world. >> jon: a beacon of hope. a home beacon, a-- come on, world! follow our leadership. did you hear me, world? come on, follow! ( laughter ) don't make me send in the ( bleep ) drones. get behind us. come on! ( laughter ) i will rain down hellfire! ( laughter ) actually this week presented america with just that kind of leadership opportunity. >> there's a senate vote tomorrow on a united nations disabilities treaty. >> advocates say the united nations treaty approved by 126 countries, would promote equal rights and better treatment for the disabled inspired by u.s. law, the americans with stabilities act. >> jon: you're welcome. ( laughter ). once again, america's example has become t
of you ♪ with friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more ♪ through the years ♪ we all will be together ♪ if the fates allow ♪ until then ♪ we'll have to muddle through somehow ♪ ♪ ♪ and have yourself ♪ a merry little christmas ♪ now ♪ sses good night, everybody. (cheers and applause) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iÑi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been under a
! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. ambassador to united nations susan rice. >> i will do everything in my power to black her from being the united states secretary of state. she's not qualified. >> jon: that's senator john mccain continuing his seven year quest to negate every good thing he'd ever done prior to that. (laughter) this time leading the charge to preempt as an of now hypothetical obama nomination for secretary of state to replace hillary clinton. why? because five days after the benghazi attacks, susan rice went on the sunday talk shows and sa
of us can't swing a dead elf without knocking over a giant candy cane. for god's sake fox news itself is is located in midtown manhattan the epicenter of all that is godless, secular, gay, jewy and hell bound. yet even here all around your studio it looks like santa's balls exploded. that is a hypothesis. you know, in the old days before the war on christmas, the celebration and the birth of christ lasted a day. like birthdays do. then it seeped into the night before christmas. the eve, if you will. the next thing you know, we were riding this thing all the way to epiphany. fine 12 days gave time for lords to leap and partridges to pair and gold to ring and just 12 days of servants and [bleep] pourltry, whatever. but it still wasn't enough. there's a war on christmas? has anyone told thanksgiving? because this year black friday, a.k.a. christmas' opening bell got moved back a day to black thursday or as we used to call it thanksgiving. christmas is so big now, it's eating other holidays. watch your ass, halloween, you're next. ( applause ) i mean let me ask you a question. do athee i
justed that craziest dream. and it taught me that christmas belongs to all of us because all of us can find something in it to be angry about. you there, boy? >> yes, sir. >> >> jon: what day is it? >> today? why, bit christmas day, sir. >> jon: then it's not too late. here, take this. take this coin. >> i will. thank you. [laughter] how did you ever become quarterback? >> jon: how did i ever become quarterback president? >> i got it right here, sir, lovely coin. >> jon: take this and go buy me the biggest peking cut in all of china town. >> that i will, sir, that i will. >> jon: then you and me are having chinese food and going to the mother [bleeped] movies. >> really? >> jon: yeah. >> quick question, sir. may we go see "jack reacher," sir? >> yes, absolutely. >> old man stewart. >> jon: it's going to be the best christmas for a jew, ever. >> mazel tov, guv'nor, mazel show. now, if you looked at the calendar today or talked to anyone, you know it's a very special day, 12/12/12, the day the mayans prophesized as the beginning of the shift that culmination in the end of the world on 12
. you passed. - oh, no need to thank us for fixing your friend. - you'll have to come over for christmas dinner this year. - dad, i'm gay again. - or not. you know what i'm really regretting right now. - choking our dog to death? - yeah. ♪ - thank you for saving my life, connie. - i'm sorry i caused all this trouble, guys. next time, instead of turning everyone gay, i'm just gonna sneak into ethel's cabin and chloroform her. [laughter] - wait, what? - aah! news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honori
a christmas carol? >> sure. >> stephen: that would be great. mandy, would you join us? >> sure. >> stephen: all right. ♪ ♪ on the feast of stephen, and the snow may round about brightly shown alone at light ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ stand by me if thou most compelling ♪ ♪ don the peasant who is he wearing what his dwelling ♪ ♪ ♪ underneath the mountains right against the forest by st. agnes fountain ♪ ♪ and bring me blush and bring me love ♪ ♪ thou and i will see him dine when we bear thither. ♪ force they went together ♪ and the bitter weather ♪ stars at night is darker now and the wind grows stronger fails my heart i know not how i can go no longer ♪ ♪ dress thou boldly thou shall find the winter's rage freeze thy bloodless cold ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ therefore, christian men be sure ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good night. [cheers and applause] >> from cod news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark
and recent cy young recipient-- cy young recipient-- r.a. dickey is going to be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause) the man. may be the first guest in the history of this program to be traded while i am talking to him. (laughter) they may just -- they may come in and take him away. (laughter) i think i'll ask him what race he'd like to be. (laughter) somebody asked me that before the show started. (laughter) we were talking before the show started and everybody's got a question and "who would win in a fight, frog or shark?" that kind of thing. someone just said to me "what race would you be if you could be -- i mean, obviously a jew is fine but, i mean -- if you had a chance, i mean, wouldn't you go asian just for a day?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's fine. they're nice people! they're casting a benton add and they needed -- it's actually a perfect way to get into a program tonight. we begin with the ongoing negotiations to save our economy or, as we're calling it, cliffpocalypsemageddonacaust. (laughter) our totally solveable budget problem. (laughter) >> jon: that's
will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. this ends up being about bullies. >> they're being bullies. what are christians supposed to do? turn the other cheek. oh, oh, no, wrong jesus, my friend. >> there is a problem in america with the christian forces being weak. >> that's right. i'm telli
. cameron, people should know how you saved us all. how you raised the bar. how will they know what a hero you are? - james cameron doesn't do what james cameron does for james cameron. james cameron does what james cameron does because james cameron is...james cameron. [applause] - ♪ his name is james, james cameron ♪ ♪ the bravest pioneer ♪ no budget too steep, no sea too deep ♪ - ♪ who's that? it's him! james cameron ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iÑi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christ
the media wanted to let us know that they totally knew she was pregnant. >> tabloid speculation began even before the wedding. fueled by every touch of the belly, every sip of plain water, every dress with a changing waistline. the signs were there just last week during a visit to cambridge. kate was spotted tickling the feet of a baby boy in the crowd. >> that doesn't mean she's pregnant. that just means she's human. how do you not tickle a baby's feet. what, before she was pregnant she was just giving babies the heightsman, just that. get out of my face, baby. i'm not pregnant, i tickle baby's feet. the drinking water, tickling baby's feet, any other subtle hints. >> intractable vomiting or throwing up that going on several timeance hour. (laughter) >> jon: apparently the duchess of windsor has been flinging her biscuits, as they say. so while morning sickness may be all right for commoners, the royals puke fancy. >> she is is suffering from what is called hyperemesis. >> hyperemesis gravidarum. >> isn't that the spell that us ed to defeat voldemort. >> hyper, mesis gravidarum. blah. >>
talks -- >> there aren't even very many talks going on. (laughter) >> jon: damn! you're kidding us! give us something! >> but for the first time there are numbers on pieces of paper from both sides. >> jon: numbers on paper! (cheers and applause) we have numbers on paper! from both sides! (whispering snvpld we're all going to be okay. (laughter) how were -- numbers on paper. how were negotiations being conducted before they decided to put numbers on paper? (laughter) were they communicateding by pheromones like aunts? (laughter) vanity cards? is that how this was going? were the two sides just spray painting a side and hoping it wanders past the other side's office or other equally absurd examples? so tell us about this paper with numbers on them. >> $4 trillion of deficit reduction over the next ten years. it includes $1.6 trillion in higher taxes on households making more than $250,000 a year. there's also $400 billion in cuts to entitlement programs. there's apls also some fresh new spending. $50 billion next year in stimulus spending, all for infrastructure. >> jon: ooh, green letter
will stop yapping about how he sponsored the u.s. speed skating team. big deal. we sponsored a team too. but since our show has a budget of zero dollars, we couldn't afford any american teams. so for the price of a cup of coffee, we found out you can sponsor the iranian ice dancing team. death to america. good night. [cheers and applause] >> from cod news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as
that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are the best americans. >> jon: well, not-- not everybody agrees with that. >> well, everybody one i know does and mitt romney was the wealthiest american, or at least the wealthiest who way willing to touch your hands and lift your babies. i mean romney was a rich man. and he wanted to be president watch. pore could he have done to earn your vote. i don't even know what is happening with this country any more, john. >> jon: did you just blow your nose with 100 dollar bill. >> i can't use a 50th, grant hair is too scratchy. >> jon: sorry, john. >> oh, you will will be sar i'm. you will all be sarree. you will regret crossing us job crea
. our guest tonight my niece kristen leibowitz will be joining us-- i'm sorry, stewart. she must have changed it. i want to thank everybody, boy, that 12-12-12 concert last night, everybody that much wad, everybody that participated, everybody that says you have no idea how it boyd the spirits of everybody there. it was just-- it was good. thank you so much. but let's begin tonight with the discussion of marriage. as you know marriage is under attack. so much so that our congress passed a defense of marriage act. and president clinton signed it into law because it was the '90s and everything was ironic. (laughter) the defense of marriage act protected marriage from the scourge of no fault divorce and economic volatility and family care issues that put so much strain on marriage-- i'm kidding. it was about gay people. it protected marriage from gay people. in fact, gay people are considered such a threat to marriage that in addition to a federal defense of marriage act many states have enacted constitutional amendments banning the practice, including our most populous state, california
and applause) yeah, that was joe. joe came up with that in the meeting and we're all like "we're using that." (laughter) i'm sorry. you were being callusly dismissive about the working conditions in bangladesh to score points against american unions. continue. >> don't think that the people in bangladesh who perished didn't want or need those jobs as well. i know we like to victimize everyone in this country, particularly when it comes to the poor profit motivation which is being assaulted. >> again, it's tragic and it's one of the things i don't think something like this will happen again. >> jon: okay, that's a relief. (laughter) your first argument appears to be "yes, okay, they died in a fire but they had jobs!" (laughter) i think it's reasonable to assume your job won't entail some kind of inferno unless it's mentioned in the ad which is -- oh, okay, well, that -- i didn't realize. now your second argument is this -- (applause). your second argument appears to be -- your second argument is, "hey, man, this is just a one-off." which could be a powerful hypothetical argument that i might
. (laughter) or the t.v. network dedicated to making us stupider is called "the learning channel." (laughter) (cheers and applause) or a t.v. show that only airs four days a week calls it a daily show. (cheers and applause) what's the deal, governor snyder? >> i sid this wasn't on my agenda for some time but if you look at it, we're losing a major competitive advantage. indiana has become a right-to-work state and i've looked at their pipeline. they have significantly increased the number of businesses looking to come to indiana and grow in indiana due to this legislation. >> jon: indiana! those sweet-faced good natured job-stealing sons of bitches. (laughter) wait a minute, let's go with the right spacing for that. india, north america! well, don't think we won't detect your call center accents, india n.a. how are michigan's union members takintaking this news? >> prounion protesters are swarming the capital building in lancing. >> hey, hey, ho, ho, right to work has got to go. >> union busting is disgusting! (laughter). >> jon: dude, you're from michigan, detroit, "8 mile." you've got to c
not the congress. they use it as a bargaining chip. that's not rye. senate minority leader mitch mcconnell knows what that means >> the president of the united states, now he's asking for an unlimited -- unlimited -- authority to borrow whenever he wants to for whatever amount he wants to? >> jon: (musming) all right. so the senator clearly doesn't know what the debt ceiling means. the debt ceiling is a control imposed on the treasury department by congress in order to, you know, is there just some well informed and respected authority that can explain what the debt ceiling is >> it gives the government permission to pay back the money we already borrowed >> jon: totally right. i didn't understand it because he was talking too fast but i think he's [bleep] right. and i like that lady too. i don't know her. even if senator mcconnell doesn't understand the debt ceiling he does understand how to play senate chess. he knows while obama wants the debt ceiling debate removed, senate majority leader harry reid, he don't have the 51 votes he needs to get that passed so mcconnell is going to trap reed in
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)